Why Just One?

Hey Mom,


       I’ve been thinking…we hear the question “what is your dream?” all the time. Or someone says “my dream is to…” Why are these statements followed by a single dream? You know me and how I’ve been scatter-brained since childhood. They called it ADHD. As I’ve gotten a bit older the hyperactive portion has tapered off but the attention disorder has remained steadfast. I can’t commit all my energy to just one thing. So why should I commit to just one dream?

       I have two main dreams at the moment which have offshoots from them that can get pretty involved, but I won’t get into every little detail. My dreams are to be a successful writer and to find ways to help others in life. There are many ways to accomplish both but I have to start somewhere. Do I start with myself and committing to something in particular? I know the answer to this—it was actually a rhetorical question.

       Committing to what I want means changing a lot and going in a different direction, which causes anxiety. I have planned out my career for so long and have known where I was going and why…until now. That single question Vicki asked me the other day keeps tapping me on the shoulder, then sucker punching me in the back of the head when I don’t pay attention. Following my instinct would mean contradicting my logical thinking which, eventually, would lead to more financial stability for myself and my family as well as allowing us to do things we want to do later.

       If I should follow what I WANT to do rather than what I THINK I should do we wouldn’t have the financial independence. If I do what I think I should do and then what I want it may be too late. Besides that, I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about what I WANT to do while I was doing what I THINK I should do.

       Ugh! Vicki said she would love me and be with me no matter what I did which, of course, I believe. I just wonder how happy she would be if I took the road less traveled and went in another direction. I think I would be happier…but is that the most important thing? Sacrifice is a great way to show love for others instead of yourself. I’m sure you can see why I’m torn. I’ll talk to you later. Buh Bye (as you always used to say).